That’s an interesting thought experiment. If you’re suggesting a literal wall, it would likely be a monumental construction project—one that would make medieval fortifications look like garden fences. Given DC’s geography, with the Potomac River and surrounding infrastructure, it’d be a challenge to fully enclose it.
But if you’re speaking metaphorically—isolating the political class from the rest of society—it’s arguably already happening. The security barriers, the insulated political elite, and the increasing disconnect between governance and the general population all contribute to a kind of invisible wall.
Would you want this hypothetical wall to keep people in or keep them out? Or both?
Sure but Trump could build it quicker than the Mexico wall
If Trump were in charge of building a wall around Washington, D.C., he’d probably market it as the "Greatest, Most Beautiful Wall" ever built—"Better than the Great Wall of China, folks!" The real question is: who would pay for it?
Would it be "The American People" or "The Swamp"? Maybe he’d claim that "The Deep State will fund it, believe me!"
But let’s be real—if he could actually get it done faster than the Mexico border wall, that would be impressive. He’d have to navigate D.C.’s zoning laws, historic landmarks, and federal bureaucracy. Maybe he’d just declare it a "National Emergency" and get it rolling overnight.
So, what’s the vision? A big, beautiful wall with gold-plated Trump branding on the gates? Or a moat with alligators just for added security?
OK then, What About a Moat?
Now we’re talking! A moat around Washington, D.C. would be far more effective than a wall. It would provide natural defense, look aesthetically medieval, and—best of all—could be filled with alligators (or, if we’re really going for it, genetically modified super-piranhas).
The Logistics of a D.C. Moat
- Water Source: The Potomac River is right there. Just divert some water, and boom—moat achieved.
- Depth: At least 30 feet to prevent casual swimmers and unexpected jet ski invasions.
- Width: 100 feet minimum, because let’s be honest, we don’t want any makeshift bridge crossings.
- Wildlife: Aside from the classic alligators, we could introduce electric eels for extra deterrence, maybe some mechanized drones disguised as birds to patrol the skies.
- Bridges & Access: Limited to drawbridges, controlled exclusively by a public vote—meaning D.C. politicians could only leave if the people decide they’ve earned it.
Extra Features for Maximum Effectiveness
- A second, inner moat for redundancy (because double moats = double security).
- Flaming tar pits in strategic locations for extra medieval vibes.
- Underground tunnel flooding sensors to deal with anyone trying to burrow their way out.
- Tourism Opportunity – Sell tickets to watch politicians attempt to escape, Hunger Games-style.
Would you prefer a standard moat, or are we thinking something more advanced, like a sci-fi laser moat?
Could we use a political drive to see which senator can dig the fastest to get it built?
Now that is a political event I’d actually watch! Imagine turning the moat construction into a nationally televised competition, where each senator has to dig their own section. Call it "Dig for Democracy" or "Swamp vs. Shovel"—the possibilities are endless.
The Rules of the Moat-Digging Challenge:
- Each senator gets a designated section of the future moat. The size of their section is proportional to their years in office—career politicians get the biggest chunks.
- No heavy machinery—only shovels, pickaxes, and raw determination.
- Corporate Sponsorships Allowed – Watch lobbyists scramble to fund their chosen senators with “ergonomic” shovels and performance-enhancing protein shakes.
- Live Betting Available – Vegas odds on which senator passes out first, who accidentally tunnels into the Metro, and who gets “stuck” in their own trench.
- Winner gets immunity from the moat – The fastest digger gets to escape the final enclosure (or at least a floating raft to move around inside).
Bonus Rounds for Extra Entertainment:
- Filibuster Frenzy: Senators can buy time by talking while digging—but if they stop talking, they have to dig double speed to make up for it.
- Swamp Monster Twist: Unpopular senators may mysteriously disappear into the murky waters as the moat fills… whoops.
- Escape Room Challenge: If they dig a tunnel out of D.C. before the moat fully fills, they win free exile instead of imprisonment.
With this setup, we finally get a Congress that actually breaks a sweat instead of just breaking promises.
Could we station fake Russian submarines in the moat so that the DC people were kept busy?
Brilliant idea! Fake Russian submarines stationed in the D.C. moat would keep politicians so paranoid and busy that they’d never have time to meddle with the rest of the country. It’s the perfect distraction—Cold War 2.0, but in a swamp!
How It Works:
- Strategically Placed Periscopes – Every few days, a fake periscope pops up, just long enough for CNN and Fox News to run breaking headlines about "Unidentified Russian Watercraft Spotted Near Capitol."
- Occasional Sonar Pings & Mysterious Radio Chatter – Broadcast cryptic Russian phrases like "Operation Vodka Shark is a go" or "We have infiltrated the Reflecting Pool."
- Randomly Disappearing Politicians – Every once in a while, someone important "goes missing" for a few hours after wandering near the moat, only to reappear confused and dazed, claiming they were “briefly abducted by underwater KGB agents.”
- Fake Torpedo Alarms – Every couple of weeks, an "accidental torpedo launch warning" sends D.C. into full lockdown. Committees are formed, hearings are held, nothing is actually resolved, and the cycle repeats.
- The Ultimate Bluff: A 'Sunken Spy Sub' – Occasionally, we stage a "partially surfaced" Soviet-era submarine, just rusting away ominously near the White House, leading to frantic classified meetings and emergency press conferences.
The Benefits:
- Keeps politicians distracted – Instead of passing bad laws, they’re too busy investigating the “moat crisis.”
- Boosts military spending – But on moat-based naval defenses, which is hilariously useless outside of D.C.
- Gives lobbyists something new to bribe for – Expect Lockheed Martin to propose a $50 billion “Moat Defense Initiative” for a fleet of hyper-advanced anti-submarine ducks.
- Increases public entertainment value – Nothing like watching senators panic over ripples in the water.
Optional Bonus: Introduce a "Cuban Missile Crisis 2.0" Event
- Have a mysterious barge labeled "Property of Havana" slowly drift into the moat, forcing Congress to hold emergency hearings on potential Cuban espionage.
Between the moat and the submarines, D.C. becomes its own self-contained Truman Show while the rest of the country enjoys a politics-free existence.
Should we throw in a few fake Chinese spy balloons for extra chaos, or is that overkill?